Have you ever had a hater?
I have and it’s dreadful. You’re pretty much helpless. You can’t change their minds. And you know they’re going around badmouthing you. And sometimes we can’t avoid our haters. What if the person who looks at you with hatred is a child, a spouse, an in-law, or a co-worker? How do you manage to keep on forgiving them when you have a daily reminder of injustice? Even as I’m writing this post, I am longing to tell you about my hater. But I can’t. Because to do so would be to be a hater back.
It’s so hard not to dwell on how badly haters are behaving. It’s hard not to feel like they’re “ruining” our lives. We know we’re supposed to forgive them. We know that holding onto bitterness hurts us. We can go to healing seminars, like the one given by Ken Fish that I attended in New York City a few weeks ago, and hear that a lack of forgiveness can cause physical ailments in our bodies. We shudder. We know this to be true. It’s common sense. It’s supported by science. Perhaps we’ve heard the expression: “refusing to forgive is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Of course it is. We know that as Joyce Meyers says, “forgiving isn’t hard; hating is hard.”
So why is it so hard to forgive our haters and hurters and what can we do to change that?
One of the odd things about the Christian life is that you can “know” about something like the importance of forgiveness and yet find yourself “forgetting” it years, months and sometimes even nanoseconds later. It’s the reason why Christians must keep reading the Bible, talking to other Christians, praying together, having “accountability” partners, praying alone, going to church and going to Bible studies. We need the Christian life the way we need air. It’s the only way to counteract our tendency to compartmentalize. We get one area of our lives sewn up… and we discover to our horror that other areas are getting worse. C.S. Lewis says in his eponymous essay on forgiveness, that real belief in forgiveness “is the sort of thing that easily slips away if we don’t keep on polishing it up.” I find that comforting. It means we shouldn’t be shocked that we need to be reminded about forgiveness. Instead, we need to plan for it and build daily reminders about forgiveness into our lives.
The problem is that when people hurt us, we just want to hurt them back. It’s a thing. Even if we don’t pursue them through a sinking ship with a loaded gun, like that stupid scene in the Titanic (sorry but I never found that movie plausible), we find other ways to hurt them. We take a mental picture of them at their worst and carry it in our breast pocket to sneer over, as I once heard a pastor named John Yenchko say. Or we find ourselves bad-mouthing our haters to every person unlucky enough to come within ear shot of us. Or we gloat when bad things happen to them. We make sure no one else will be their friend. We have a thousand ways to hurt people back, and all of them are ugly. In our saner moments, we know what we’re doing is wrong. And yet, we find ourselves unable to stop. Part of us feels “justified.” Don’t they deserve it?
Yes, but that isn’t the point. As C.S. Lewis says in that same essay on forgiveness: “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” Lewis adds that forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing. It means “you must make every effort to kill every taste of resentment in your own heart – every wish to humiliate or hurt him or to pay him out.” Sigh. We know, we know. It means accepting that God actually forgives us. It means accepting that our hearts have horror, dirt, meanness and malice and believing God redeems us and allows us to do that for others: “Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse, after all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness, and malice, and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it.”
To help us forgive, today’s chapter doesn’t have the Lord’s prayer (“forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”). It doesn’t have the parable of the unmerciful servant–the story Jesus told about the servant whose master forgave him an enormous debt, but who then refused to forgive a fellow servant who owed him a tiny debt, so the master turned him over “to be tortured until he paid back the whole debt”. See Matthew 18:21-35 (“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart”). It doesn’t have Jesus’ admonition that if we want our prayers answered we must forgive: “if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop.” Mark 11:25-26. Those are all good and powerful verses that remind us that if we want God to forgive us, we must forgive. We must forgive radically. We must forgive completely. We must forgive all, especially the unforgivable parts.
But what Philippians 2 has to help us get there is a description of how God humbled Himself for us, and what happened as a result. Ready? In this letter, Paul says that we are to “be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests but take an interest in others, too.” Phil. 2:3-4.
I’ve always had trouble understanding why we are supposed to think of others as better than ourselves. The next verse seems to contradict it by saying don’t look out “only” for our own interests. So we are to consider our own interests. And didn’t Jesus say we’re to love our neighbor “as” ourselves, not “more than” ourselves?
Perhaps the answer is that we are so self-centered, we need to tell ourselves to overcompensate just to reach equilibrium, the way we might over-correct a tennis move to rid ourselves of a terrible habit. But while God inspired the whole Bible, and we must therefore evaluate every verse in light of the others, we must also be careful not avoid the import of a particular verse. So perhaps we are to do exactly as Paul says and think “of others as better than” ourselves. Perhaps thinking of others “as” better than ourselves is the only way to help us lead better, happier and more productive lives.
We might be able to do that with people we love. Maybe. But how do we do that with our haters? How can we think of a hater “as better than” ourselves? Isn’t that to agree with their assessment of us? Paul provides the way in the next few verses. He says that to be humble we must copy Jesus:
“Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privilege;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross. Phil. 2:6-8.
In other words, Jesus actually was equal with God, but gave it up out of love. So when we are to consider others as better than ourselves, it doesn’t mean they are better than we are but that we are acting as if they were because we love them with God’s kind of love.
We can console ourselves for the hardship of this by looking at what God did for Jesus as a result of giving up his divine privilege:
Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
and gave him the name above all other names,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father. Phil. 2:9-11.
The Bible promises that if we humble ourselves, God will lift us up in due time. Holding onto that promise can help us want to forgive. But when it comes to actually forgiving the unforgivable, if it sounds hard, it’s because it’s impossible. Looking to Christ as an example gets us only so far. It can inspire us to want to do the right thing. But we’re too flawed to really do what Christ did. In fact, the more we try to be like Christ, the more radically we will discover our weaknesses. And in that moment, comes true humility.
If we know that we have to forgive our haters in order to be forgiven, and we agree with God that we should forgive them, and we hear ourselves badmouthing them anyway…. we are humbled to the point of sorrow. We’re horrified by ourselves. And there, in our utter failure, when we cry out to God from the depths of our souls: HELP ME… is where we find transformation.
As always, we discover in our humiliation that we are, in fact, no better than our haters. That humbles us. It hurts us. It’s a death. But it’s the kind of death that leads to life. Our failure to forgive is exactly where God meets us and lifts us up. He died because He knew how hopeless we are at forgiving.
So today, right now, when we begin to pray, we are to enter into the darkness. We are to ask God to show us who we are refusing to forgive. We are to take time to be honest about how badly they’ve hurt us and how deeply they hate us.
And that’s exactly where God will lift us up. In the safety of His perfect, sacrificial, undeserved love, He gives us the strength to do what no human can do: to forgive the unforgivable and to find freedom, health and joy. And isn’t that the only thing that can stop us from being haters ourselves?
posted by Caroline Coleman in A Chapter a Day on February 24, 2016
n July 1963, near the end of his life, C.S. Lewis wrote a letter to a lady in Washington, DC who was in a situation where, as Lewis put, she faced “as difficult a job in the forgiving line as can well be imagined.” As part of his letter, Lewis recounted a very personal story about his own efforts at forgiving someone who had done him great wrong:
Do you know, only a few weeks ago I realised suddenly that I at last had forgiven the cruel schoolmaster who so darkened my childhood. I’d been trying to do it for years: and like you, each time I thought I’d done it, I found, after a week or so it all had to be attempted over again. But this time I feel sure it is the real thing. And (like learning to swim or to ride a bicycle) the moment it does happen it seems so easy and you wonder why on earth you didn’t do it years ago. So the parable of the unjust judge comes true, and what has been vainly asked for years can suddenly be granted. I also get a quite new feeling about ‘If you forgive you will be forgiven.’ I don’t believe it is, as it sounds, a bargain. The forgiving and the being forgiven are really the [very] same thing. But one is safe as long as one keeps on trying.1
Lewis well understood the importance, indeed the necessity of forgiving others. In his essay “On Forgiveness,” written in 1947,2 Lewis had stated:
We believe that God forgives us our sins; but also that He will not do so unless we forgive other people their sins against us. There is no doubt about the second part of this statement. It is in the Lord’s Prayer; was emphatically stated by our Lord. If you don’t forgive you will not be forgiven. No part of His teaching is clearer, and there are no exceptions to it.3
Even when we understand the importance of forgiving others, it can sometimes be very hard, and especially in difficult situations, may require repeated efforts and much prayer. As Lewis recounted in his letter, it literally took him years before he succeeded in forgiving his cruel schoolmaster. Is there anyone you need to forgive, perhaps in a situation where forgiveness is very hard? In such a situation, it may be helpful to remember Lewis’s example and his advice to keep on trying. It may also be helpful to seek prayer and counsel from a godly pastor or elder.
“…for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.”
PHILIPPIANS 2:13 (ESV)